One of the most confusing and persistent conundrums for young women is how to balance natural abilities, ambition and intelligence with the desire to be popular in their social groups and eventually find a mate.

I remember when I was in college. A friend of mine loved biology, especially dissecting things. She made sure that none of her boyfriend’s friends were in the classes she took. She didn’t want him to know how much she liked science, nor had told him she wanted to be a pathologist because she knew he wouldn’t want to date her if he knew she was a science freak (read nerd). He was a lettered athlete and through him she got to go to the best parties and on the coolest trips.

Was she being silly? Not according to a two year study by Ray Fisman of the Columbia Business School. Fisman’s study shows that men do like smart, ambitious women as long as they are not smarter and more ambitious than they are. That shouldn’t surprise anybody. But, it can put a crimp on your dating relationships.

What about other women? How do they feel about extremely intelligent women? For the most part, unless they are also very intelligent, they tend to either be jealous or feel inferior and not want to associate with them.

So if you are a woman with a very high IQ, what can you do? Well, rather than pretend to be something you aren’t work on developing your people skills.

With good people skills you won’t make other people feel inferior by talking over their heads. It also helps to learn a few tricks that tend to disarm people. For example, no matter how smart someone is, they will still do dumb things. When that happens, don’t try to hide it or make excuses. Instead, say something like, “I can’t believe I did something that dumb.”

That admission will make you seem normal and just like everybody else. It lets others say, “I’ve never done anything that dumb” which will lessen or eliminate feelings of jealousy and inferiority. If you have good people skills, most people will like you…I guarantee it.

However, dating is another matter entirely. Studies conducted in Britain and the United States found that most women want a man as smart as or slightly smarter than they are. The same study found that men like to be in control of an intimate relationship. Smart women, especially those with high paying jobs are usually extremely independent and much less likely to let the man in their life control the relationship. They frequently find the traditional “wife” role unappealing. As a result many CHOOSE to remain single.

Conclusion

Ladies, remember you don’t need to cram your intelligence down people’s throats. You also don’t have to be perfect. Nobody is. So why pretend to be? Develop you people skills and you can be popular without having to pretend to be something you aren’t. My friend had the right idea when it came to dating. She dated a popular guy that she liked so she could enjoy an active social life. When she did get serious about wanting a husband, she found a man who is her intellectual equal. Of course, he thinks he is a little bit smarter and she doesn’t try to change his mind. They’ve been married for 12 years now, have two children and are each other’s best friend.